In the past year we’ve spent 8 days in the hospital;
gone to several dozen doctors and specialists appointments (I lost count after 30);
seen a respiratory specialist, hematologist, neurosurgeon, eye doctor, gastroenterologist, plagio clinic, dermatologist, physical therapist, occupational therapist and speech therapist;
you’ve had 3 MRIs and 2 ultrasounds;
visited the ER 6 times;
we were just referred to two more specialists;
and we still don’t have any root cause diagnoses.

We spent 7 months nursing;
tried 6 formulas before we found one that worked;
and offered dozens of solid foods that you rejected.
(This week you put a spoonful of food in your own mouth for the first time.)

During my pregnancy I had 9 ultrasounds;
had a subchorionic hemorrhage;
spent 3 weeks on bedrest for placenta previa;
had a falling-out with my OB a month before birth;
had a precipitous unmedicated (not by choice) labor where the doctor almost didn’t make it;
and did the whole thing alone during the height of the pandemic.
Really, no credit to anyone but Eric. I did it myself.

My second pregnancy and this past year were excruciatingly hard,
but at the same time,
they forced me to dig down inside myself and find a sense of purpose and fulfillment besides simply checking the boxes,
the to-do’s, milestones and accomplishments.
I stopped living life on autopilot and started thinking critically, advocating for my kids, and enjoying the small everyday moments that separate life from life well-lived.

You, A, are intense and sensitive; you’re hilarious, clever and persistent.
I never had any trouble bonding with you despite all of our hours at hospitals and clinics.
When I look at you, I see a lot of my family, physically and in your personality.
I feel a huge responsibility not to see too much of them. Not to label you, limit you, or pass on unhealthy cycles of behavior that have plagued my family for decades.
You force me to slow down, celebrate difference, toss my expectations out the window and in some ways be a parent I wish I’d had–but more importantly, the parent you need.

Happy 1st Birthday butters, bebecino, sweet cheeks, gremlin, a-wok, Babers, my littlest love <3